Today, I'm ecstatic to report that I've achieved my life-long goal.
To become the #1 ranked Brian Eden on Google.
Go ahead. Try it.
It doesn’t matter if you put it in quotes or not.
Either way, I’m #1.
This is no small accomplishment. It’s not like my name is Borat Colonoscopopolos. Or Chris Fuamatu-Ma’afala.
There are truckloads of other Brian Edens out there, jockeying for first place. (No pun intended, Brian Eden, director of the Sioux Falls Trucking Association).
Google Brian Eden and you’ll choose from 9,650 search results.
There’s the former #1 ranked Brian Eden. A famous oil painter in the UK. It wasn’t easy to pass him on the list. The man has Jigsaw puzzles and collectible plates.
There’s the infamous Brian Eden #2, who got busted for two counts of mail fraud and money laundering in Ohio. (Sorry to hear about your conviction, Brian. But mad props on the “street cred.”)
Brian Eden, Chairman of the Hillview Road Landfill Citizens Advisory Committee would surely covet the #1 ranking.
As would Brian Eden, winner of the half marathon for the Valley Strider’s Athletic Club. Running it in 68:16 on April 27, 1986. (Way to go, Brian!)
(Brian Eden, pictured back row, far left).
Skimming this long list of Brian Edens, I’m humbled at just how accomplished we are.
Brian Eden made the Dean’s List at the University of West Georgia in Spring, 2005.
He climbed the corporate ladder at Rutherford & Bond Toyota in Wellington, New Zealand. And at the Kamloops Curling Club in British Columbia.
He deftly played “Attacker” in the 2006 film “Infinite Moments.”
And penned the scathing business expose “Sorry, no turkeys this year!: The Erratic Behavior and Incompetent Performance of Managers Can Ruin Employees’ Careers and Devastate Companies.”
He even brought you such pop hits as “Celebration To Night” and “You are my Lover.”
To all of the other Brian Edens, I say this: You are all deserving in your own right of being the #1 ranked Brian Eden on Google. If it were up to me, there would be a 9,650-way tie for first.
But unfortunately, there are no ties in Google.
To my family and friends. Your undying support and words of encouragement gave me the strength I needed to never settle for being the #4 ranked Brian Eden on Google.
And to Google. For choosing me as the penultimate Brian Eden. I’m truly humbled by the honor.
Fellow Brian Edens, I promise to represent us to the best of my ability.
Truthfully, I’m not even sure why I was chosen. I didn’t pay for the listing. I don’t mention my name over and over and over again. (At least not until now.) It can’t possibly be based on site traffic. No one reads this thing but a handful of polite friends who are masters at feigning interest in what I ate for dinner.
I think it’s because I wanted it more.
For years, I’ve practiced a strict daily regimen of Googling myself. Like brushing my teeth or changing my socks. Sometimes, I Google myself twice a day.
Sure, people disapproved. My friends told me I was crazy.
My parents warned that if I didn’t stop Googling myself, I’d go blind.
But that’s the thing about having goals. There are always obstacles. Naysayers standing between you and your dream to become the #1 ranked whatever-your-name-is on Google.
But you have to find a way to overcome all of that. Take it from me. I didn’t become numero uno by standing on the sidelines, listening to the haters.
Even since becoming the top dawg, people still try to discount my accomplishment. Upon sharing my news, many offer halfhearted praise.
“That’s great.” They reply in monotone.
Even the non-committal, “Huh.”
Then, before I have time to assure them that I won’t forget the little people, they nimbly change the subject to the weather forecast or “Dem Ravens.”
But I don’t let it get me down.
To the critics, I say simply this:
Some people spend their entire lives trying to find themselves.
Now, thanks to Google, it only takes me 0.14 seconds.